I’ve often felt like I was living in a storm, where my emotions were the winds and my relationships were the trees bending to their will. For years, I didn’t know how to stop the chaos trauma created in my life. I didn’t realize that the scars from past experiences had become invisible strings, pulling and distorting the way I connected with those I loved. When trauma finds its way into relationships, it doesn’t just impact you—it leaves a ripple effect, touching everyone in your life. But the first step toward healing is recognizing these patterns.
How Trauma Shapes Relationships
Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories but in how we connect with others. Whether with family, friends, or romantic partners, trauma can become a filter, altering the way we perceive love, trust, and communication. In my own life, it created walls I didn’t even know I had built, keeping me from true emotional intimacy.
Reflecting on my relationship with my family, I realized just how much trauma had affected me. My relationship with my mother was tumultuous. With my father, it was non-existent until I reached my 30s. The only family relationship I truly had was with my brothers, but even that was shaped by our shared trauma. I noticed that I treated strangers better than my family and did everything possible to avoid them.
Trauma also seeped into my friendships. I was incredibly flaky, particularly during seasons when depression or seasonal affective disorder would hit. Many of my friendships suffered because I didn’t have the tools to communicate what I was experiencing. Yet, a handful of friends stuck by me, even when I didn’t make it easy.
My romantic relationships were even more complicated. I didn’t honestly know how to connect with my partners. My feelings fluctuated—hot one moment, cold the next. I was notorious for pushing people away once I started developing feelings. I wanted to keep the relationship physical because the emotional aspect felt too vulnerable. Now, I look back and wonder if I unconsciously wanted the other person to fight for me, but instead, I created a cycle of conflict. In the “cold” moments, I would tear down my partner; in the “hot” moments, I acted as if we were in a full-blown relationship, only to get angry when they were confused.
Understanding Trauma Bonds
As I began to understand the nature of trauma bonds, I realized it was essential to confront my patterns and take active steps toward healing.
But what exactly is a trauma bond? A trauma bond is an intense emotional attachment formed with someone during or after a cycle of abuse, manipulation, or emotional pain. These relationships are characterized by high-intensity levels, alternating between extreme closeness and emotional distance, much like my experiences.
Trauma bonds form when the brain becomes wired to associate emotional pain with love, often due to past experiences of abuse or neglect. In a trauma bond, you may find yourself excusing harmful behavior, rationalizing mistreatment, or clinging to the relationship despite its toxicity.
These bonds are often maintained by cycles of push-pull dynamics, where emotional highs follow emotional lows, making the relationship feel unpredictable yet addictive.
In one of my relationships, I began developing feelings for the person and didn’t know how to handle it. So, I broke off our arrangement. A few days later, I found out he had slept with someone else. I had been so hot and cold with him that, even though it hurt, I gave him a pass as long as he was honest. But instead, he lied—looking me straight in the eyes and telling me that I couldn’t trust him because of my trauma. He used my vulnerability against me, which became a pattern in many of my relationships.
The Path Toward Healing: Communication and Boundaries
Understanding these patterns allowed me to begin healing. A pivotal moment came when I started recognizing which feelings were truly mine versus those that were just remebants of past trauma. I knew I was progressing when I stopped internalizing my partner’s communication. Instead of seeing it as an attack, I saw it as an opportunity to reflect.
Communication has been a game-changer for me. Using “I” statements and being honest about my triggers has helped me immensely. For example, if I feel overwhelmed, I communicate that instead of bottling it up. Prayer has also been an essential tool in my healing journey. It allows me to reflect, process, and center myself when emotionally overwhelmed.
Ending relationships that weren’t relationships but rather trauma bonds also contributed to my healing. I had to abandon friendships and partnerships that no longer served my growth.
One of the most significant shifts has been setting boundaries. Boundaries are the invisible lines that protect our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. They are critical in any healthy relationship, especially when dealing with trauma.
Trauma often leaves people with poor boundaries—either too rigid or too loose—because it distorts how we understand safety and vulnerability. By setting clear boundaries, we regain control over our interactions, ensuring we don’t fall back into patterns that harm us.
In one of my early friendships, a friend consistently asked me to hang out, and I always agreed. But when the time came, I would bail, using any excuse I could think of. Eventually, she called me out on it. That conversation forced me to be honest about what I was going through. We are still close to this day, and it’s because we set clear expectations and boundaries that work for us.
Boundaries are essential in avoiding trauma bonds because they help us navigate relationships healthily. They create structure, prevent emotional overwhelm, and help us communicate our needs.
Breaking the Cycle
By actively engaging in communication, setting boundaries, and prioritizing healing, we can transition from living in the shadows of trauma to fostering relationships that reflect our true selves. Healing from trauma isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. It’s about reclaiming your power, recognizing your worth, and building relationships that reflect who you indeed are—not what your past has taught you.
Take a moment to reflect on your relationships. Are there patterns that echo your past? Contact someone you trust or a professional to guide your healing journey.