🛑 Trigger warning: pregnancy loss 🛑
Before I found out I was pregnant with my son, I unexpectedly experienced pregnancy loss. Expecting a period that never came, I delayed taking a test in fear and excitement of the outcome. I had just come to a place in my healing journey where I recognized that I had allowed my trauma to convince me I didn’t want kids. After convincing myself for years, I felt I would be okay if I didn’t have children, and I would be okay if I did. I no longer wanted to decide; I gave it to God.
There were no other symptoms of pregnancy aside from the missed period. In fact, I felt better than I ever had before. My brain felt sharper, my reflexes were quicker, and I couldn’t help but feel a little bit like I had developed superhero powers. After the test showed positive, I immersed myself wholeheartedly into embracing the role of a prospective mother.
Embracing the Role of a Prospective Mother
As scary as the thought was, I was also excited. Questioning whether or not I was ready, I wondered if I knew what I was doing or if I would be a good mom. I was equally excited for what felt like a gift, a chance to embark on an incredible journey. Wanting something that both me and child could reflect on, I began journaling.
Although I wasn’t far along, I started sharing the news with the people closest to me. Keeping such a massive secret was incredibly difficult. I was so happy I wanted to tell everyone, but it almost felt taboo to say anything because I hadn’t hit the three-month mark. I’m unsure where I picked up the mindset of not saying anything because of what could happen, but I’m glad I said something to the few I did.
The Supportive Role of Loved Ones During Pregnany Loss
Yes, telling them I was no longer pregnant was devastating. But it also helped me process every time I said it and offered me the support I wouldn’t have otherwise gotten had I not told anyone.
Physical pain aside, I never imagined pregnancy loss would cause so much turmoil in my heart and mind. I didn’t prepare myself for the influx of emotions that would follow the loss, but I knew I needed to take the time to grieve. Because those closest to me knew what was going on, they could help me do this in whatever way I needed. They could also show me more compassion when I was moody or dissociated. I will never regret having told.
This wasn’t my first pregnancy, and thankfully it wasn’t my last either. I often forget that my son is actually my rainbow baby. But because I got pregnant with my son shortly after, internally, I feel like I’m not allowed to acknowledge that.
The Trauma of Hemorrhaging
It happened in the 7th week, and not even in the comfort of my own home. I was house-sitting! After noticing I was spotting, I read everything I could before speaking to my doctor. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t overreacting. But severe cramping came by the second day, along with the spotting. So intense I had to call out of work because I couldn’t physically stand. The pain made me keel over in the fetal position. My doctor instructed me not to worry; it was probably implementation bleeding. But wasn’t I too far along for that?
The spotting became more severe, and on the third day, I started bleeding. Not just any bleeding, but hemorrhaging. I sat in utter confusion regarding what was happening. Anxiety kept telling me I was miscarrying, but I wanted to remain positive, hopeful. Maybe I wasn’t; I wanted to believe even though the blood loss volume was alarming and terrifying.
Holding onto Hope: Three Agonizing Days
Feeling dismissed by my doctor, I decided to go to the ER. They listened and drew blood to check my hCG levels. The ER attendant assured me that I was probably okay and that I had to wait for my doctor’s call so I returned to work to ignore the inevitability of discovering what I knew in my heart.
My doctor called me three days after I started spotting and suspecting I was miscarrying—three whole agonizing days.
I could hear the doctor on the other end of the call telling me the number of hCG levels in my blood taken the previous day at the ER was less than the first draw. In a healthy pregnancy, the amount of hCG in your body increases as you progress.
Coming to Terms with the Pregnancy Loss
After hearing everything I needed from the doctor, I hung up the phone. It wasn’t just a nightmare; I was hemorrhaging because I had lost my baby. Though I was at work, I couldn’t hold my tears in. I cried for the pain and sadness, and I cried because I held onto hope for three days before learning there was none. I was crying because I was angry. How could this have happened?
Though I don’t think it was anything I did, there was also no way to prove it wasn’t anything I did. The guilt, the shame, and the disbelief were overwhelming.
The Dissipation of Gratitude and Loss
Even though it lasted only several weeks, there was something about the idea that my body was creating a life that made me grateful in a way I never knew existed. It’s incredible how easily such a feeling can dissipate.
What’s more incredible is how terrible well-meaning people can make you feel with their attempts at consoling you. Statements such as, “as least you know you can get pregnant” or “Miscarriage is so common” gut-wrenched me. Yes, 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss, but its commonality doesn’t negate the trauma it causes. It simply reduces my pain to a statistic.
Supporting Those Who Experience Pregnancy Loss
If you take anything away from my story, let it be that we need to do better. Choose to be someone who never asks any woman, ever, when they are having kids. So many women are suffering silently. You never know the struggle someone is going through.
Find ways to support anyone experiencing pregnancy loss, whether through prayer or a meal or offering a safe space to talk or just be. Please don’t feel the need to fill silence with sentence fillers. Tell them you are sorry for what they are going through, and allow yourself to be in their shoes. Feel their feelings and truly understand what they must be going through.
And remember, there is no timeline for grief. Even if you have difficulty understanding someone’s grief does not give you the right to dictate how that someone should be processing.
The Power of Empathy and Compassion After Pregnancy Loss
The journey through pregnancy loss is filled with immense pain, vulnerability, and the need for compassion. It is a time when our support and empathy can significantly impact those grieving. Let us strive to create a society that understands, acknowledges, and supports individuals experiencing it.
Together, we can foster a more compassionate and inclusive environment for those who have experienced pregnancy loss. Let us choose our words carefully and remember that even a simple act of kindness can make a difference in someone’s healing journey.