Intimate moments in a former foster youth's life after foster care, healing generational trauma and becoming a mother.
Becoming Aware of the Disastrous Loud Thoughts
Healing From Trauma
Becoming Aware of the Disastrous Loud Thoughts
Conquering loud thoughts through prayer.
Healing From Trauma

Becoming Aware of the Disastrous Loud Thoughts

I’ve been plagued with loud thoughts going back as far as I can remember. So much so that I can’t recall a time when they weren’t all-consuming. To cope, I escaped reality by any means necessary to run away from these loud thoughts. 

I lived in a constant state of anxiety and depression, the loud thoughts working through every possible worst-case scenario life could offer. Nights were the worst; having nothing to distract me from me, my mind would enter the darkest of places. 

Being alone with myself felt like torture. Loud thoughts plagued me, reminding me of my inadequacies, filling me with hopelessness and dread that I couldn’t explain. Some days all I could do was cry. I cried about my past relationships. I cried because I missed my mother. I cried about things I’d long since forgotten and thought no longer mattered. 

I cried until I was fed up with myself, with crying, with the emotional flashbacks that replayed in my head. The loud thoughts ramped up in intensity so bad that I needed reminders to be gentle with myself. It almost felt impossible not to listen to them. Some moments I wanted to rip my hair out of my head to provide me with even the slightest but most temporary relief from them. 

The loud thoughts were all-consuming and had the power to cause me to react without even realizing it. Reminders of inadequacy often left me bitter, attacking people’s character so they could feel the way I was feeling. It was until I learned that because thoughts directly influence how we feel, they influence how we behave. It was hard not to engage with those loud thoughts, especially when they were expressing danger. Often perceived and based on past trauma, it was enough to shut me down completely. Even if the threat wasn’t actually real, it was real enough in my mind to cause me to react.

It can quickly become a vicious cycle if you don’t pay attention. It wasn’t until I started becoming aware of my loud thoughts that I was able to gain control of them. But even this was just the beginning. It continues to be a daily struggle, and I imagine it will always be a weak spot for me. 

Even so, I’m better equipped these days when loud thoughts plague me. Instead of allowing them to spiral me into an anxiety-induced state, I do my best to give them to God, which can be easier said than done. 

I feel as though 1 Thessalonians 5:17 was made for the anxious mind. When bombarded by those loud thoughts, I turn them into prayers instead of allowing them to take root. If I’ve learned anything through this practice, it’s that nothing is too small to bring to God. 

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