Losing Faith: Misrepresentation and Daddy Issues
For a good while, I decided that God wasn’t for me. I was ignorant of the healing my heart needed and how much I truly needed Him. After years in church, getting my first job became an excuse to stop going. Misrepresenting people taught me that God was angry, judgmental, and harsh.
Though church taught me He loved me unconditionally, I could not understand what that meant. My lack of relationship with my earthly father was precisely how I saw God. At the time, I didn’t know my father and thought I didn’t need to. Aware of his existence, I felt far removed from him.
Seeking Validation and Struggling with Boundaries
In many ways, my absent father created daddy issues that shaped me. I didn’t know how to love myself and sought validation from men, particularly emotionally unavailable men. Don’t think I ever knew what a boundary was; I was a hardcore people-pleaser. Sabotaging relationships was my specialty. Funny enough, I was notorious for boasting that I remained unscathed by daddy issues.
In those days, alcohol was my go-to, and I needed to drink to have a good time. Alcohol was also a precursor to poor life decisions. I drank to numb my feelings and make the decisions easier, and it worked 100% of the time until sobriety hit me with morning-after regret.
Embracing Change: Discovering God’s Healing Love
It was to the point where I couldn’t stand myself. I was a manipulative liar with a vast sense of entitlement who acted as a judgmental, stubborn perfectionist who took everything personally and never took accountability for my actions. Those closest to me often walked on eggshells around me because I was moody.
These traits were embedded so deeply in me that I mistook them for my personality and often claimed this is just who I am. Not recognizing who I was claiming to be was far from the woman God had created me to be. Instead, that “personality” comprised traits I learned to protect myself and/or meet my needs.
Overcoming Challenges: Healing and Transformation
I cried tears of joy when I realized I could stop claiming that version of myself. Then I cried some more when I realized how much work and healing went into actually changing. It started when I found God amid my sorrow after losing my mother. No stranger to cPTSD, I was in another go around, only this time in the darkest space I’ve ever been in. My inability to love myself quickly turned to self-loathing, and I thought destructively.
Being alive was exhausting and painful and brought me back to a time in my teenage years when I felt the same. When I would purposely cut myself to divert my attention from the emotional pain. Later in my early 20s, during a previous go around of cPTSD, the urge returned to me when the emotional pain was too much to bear.
Instead, I opted for a different kind of pain and ended up with my first tattoo, even though up until that point, I swore I would never. I put it in the same area teenage me would cut, so if the urge ever returned, it would serve as a reminder. A reminder that I could overcome because I did so many times in the past.
Trading Comforts for a Healing Connection
This time, when the destructive thoughts hit, I already had the tattoo as a reminder that I possess fortitude. It helped, but it wasn’t enough. I needed something bigger than myself, and though I felt God was prompting me, I was still reluctant. Struggling with feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame, I went to church so sure that God wanted nothing to do with me.
It took visiting several churches for me to find one I liked. And while it was nice, it wasn’t enough to change me or cultivate the relationship with God I needed. Though the church taught me of Him, getting to know Him was up to me. And so I did.
I stopped focusing on myself for once and started seeking God. I read the Bible cover to cover for understanding and then to learn. I developed a prayer life by talking to God as though He were someone close to me. Delving into my insecurities, fears, thoughts, and questions.
The more I read, and the more I prayed, the more I felt as though God did want me. Not only did He want me, but He wanted me just as I was. He loved me just as I was. Even so, I didn’t love myself as I was, so I wanted to be better. I wanted to learn who He created, so I started a healing journey that tackled those traits I thought were my personality.
Healing Through Prayer and Worship
I am a better me now because of my relationship with God. Because I strive to be Christ-like instead of falling into the patterns of who I think I am or should be.
But if I’m being honest, I also have to admit that just because I turned to God doesn’t mean everything suddenly got easier. Some things did. But the trauma I experienced is still genuine and, unfortunately, comes with natural consequences. However, by seeking God instead of my idea of comfort, I can overcome things that would’ve spiraled me in the past.
I’ve traded my comforts (drinking, self-sabotaging behavior, to name a few) for seeking/relationship with God. So these days, when I’m having a difficult time, I’m praying and worshipping my way through it instead of lashing out. Sometimes, I only need to say one prayer; sometimes, I must pray throughout the day to get me through.
Moving Forward with Confidence
One thing I do know is that He always gets me through with no morning-after regret.
If you resonate with my story and are ready to embark on your journey of healing and self-discovery, I encourage you to take that first step. Seek a deeper connection with God and embrace His love for you. Remember, your past or your challenges do not define you. Start your journey today and experience the transformative power of God’s unwavering love in your life.