Over the past couple of months, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting. Reflecting on what was and what molded me into who I was. It’s hard not to feel sad for the girl I once was. It can be so easy to dwell on the past and feel sorry for the things that never were.
Grieving the things I never had has been something I’ve been trying to incorporate into my healing process, but I haven’t yet found that balance of grieving and letting go; it’s so easy to get caught up in the grief. I often get stuck in what could’ve been who I could’ve been when trying to process the grief of letting go.
It’s a slippery slope for me because this is often where I get caught up and dwell on what never came to pass. My life has been riddled with trauma starting as early as infancy, and I used to feel so damaged because of it.
Though my trauma hasn’t changed, the way I look at it has. While I no longer believe I am damaged I do know that trauma caused damage. Knowing what I know about trauma and the damage it causes, I know that the damage was designed to keep me from my purpose here on earth and from becoming the woman I was created to be, the woman God sees me as.
The longer I sat with my trauma and used it as an excuse, the farther away from that woman I was and the worse my mental health was. Fortunately for me and my mental health, when God truly gets ahold of something, it can’t stay the same. So if you want to know the secret to my sanity now, it’s that. My relationship with God changed my heart and with Him I began healing.
It hasn’t been an easy process, and I wouldn’t exactly use the word fun to describe it. But what I can tell you is that I’ve never felt alone in the process. Over the past few years, there have been many, many things I’ve needed to heal from. Some things weren’t as bad or severe as others and allowed me to recover and heal quickly, while others took the light from my soul causing me to start over to relearn who I’m supposed to be.
At the moment, having to take an in-depth look at myself, my thought processes, and my beliefs is difficult and almost feels like an attack. But after coming through to the other side, I can see that those times were necessary because I held onto so much of what didn’t serve me. As painful as it was, those healing journeys allowed me to let those things go and grow from the experience.
I could’ve chosen not to. Honestly, I’ve been dealing with trauma forever, and a girl is exhausted! But the years have also taught me that what’s not transformed is transferred. The Bible talks about this, and science is starting to get on board.
Our words and stories have power; stories need to be told. This is why our ancestors passed down stories from generation to generation. If we’re not telling the story, we’re living it; there’s no way around it. If left untold, these stories still find a way of being told throughout our lives, and they are repeated until someone breaks the silence.
When I started telling the untold story of my trauma, I was amazed that there were always people who could relate. Before breaking the silence, I had always felt like I was the only one. This often caused me to isolate when in the thick of it and inadvertently kept me in the spiral. Healing is not possible in isolation. I am living proof. But that’s a story for another time.
When you are brave enough to tell your story, you give voice to others who’ve experienced similar. You give strength, and hope. Creating a pathway for others to do the same.
Know this: you are not alone. By speaking about your trauma by telling your stories, you never know who will benefit. Much like hurt people hurt people, Healing also has a ripple effect. Healed people, heal people.