Remarkable Healing After Being Triggered By Trauma

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Triggered by trauma was once a state of existence for me. One minute I’d be calm, and the next, my heart would be racing, my mind telling me I’m in emanate danger when all I’d be doing was pumping gas only to have my trauma triggered by the sound of police sirens speeding by.

It wasn’t until I questioned why I was constantly triggered by trauma the way I was that I began to spend time working with my therapist to understand my triggers better. I was annoyed at how my body responded to things outside my control and wanted it to stop. It turns out that with much work, it could. 

It took a lot of convincing and then reminding myself that I was safe the minute I was triggered by trauma and felt a physical response come on. It seemed simple, but my anxiety loved to convince me that it was far from simple and would instead run down the list of the most awful worst-case scenarios that could happen at any moment. And although possible, not likely probable, might I add. 

There were times when trauma anniversaries would come around, or a trauma trigger too big for me to handle, and I’d default into dissociation. The most prominent symptom was an alto familiar aloofness I recognized from my mother and even her mother. During those days, sometimes weeks, I felt like a stranger in my own life. Almost as though my inner child was in the driver’s seat of my adult life. 

In dissociation mode, I didn’t recognize my life, was easily confused by my job even though I’d been there for years, and couldn’t recall facts about my adult self that I should’ve easily been able to. It quickly became apparent how generational traumas were so easily passed down. If not addressed and I had children, I would inadvertently pass them the same triggers from the trauma I experienced. 

Sure that children weren’t in my future, I set out to heal the way I was triggered by trauma simply because I hated the spiral it seemed to trap me in. I had to address my inner child and her unmet needs to address my dissociation. At first, it was incredibly overwhelming because so many needs went unmet and grief went unexpressed. But I took it as a way of getting in touch with my child self, a challenge that eventually stopped feeling so much like a challenge and became rewarding in a strange way. 

But God had some other plans for this challenge. After years of not wanting children, followed by periods of uncertainty, my husband and I learned we were expecting. There’s a whole story surrounding this particular pregnancy, so we were nervous and excited, and our minds were blown entirely by the details. What better way to get in touch with your inner child than having your own child? 

Secretly I was terrified. Had I done enough work on how I was triggered by trauma so that my child inherited something different from me? I started journaling through that pregnancy and quickly developed a connection unlike I’d ever expected. As scared as I was, there was no question that I wanted this; I wanted to be a mother. 

As you can imagine, I was beyond devastated when I miscarried at seven weeks and four days. It felt like such a cruel joke. In my grief, I again began to question if motherhood was for me, and as much as I wanted to believe it wasn’t, my feelings suggested otherwise. As I processed my grief, I realized that that pregnancy showed me just how much I wanted a child and how much I had denied it in the past. 

Not only was I sad for my adult self, who lost her baby, but I also developed a sadness for my inner child, whose trauma had taken the desire to be a mother away. Trapped in sorrow but more aware than I’d ever been, this time, I knew I couldn’t just bury my pain to be later triggered by the trauma. 

I’m blessed to have a fantastic village surrounding me, so my family and friends that knew supported my husband and me immensely during this time. I was beyond grateful and incredibly impressed with my younger brothers, who exhibited a tenderness I’d never seen in them. It helped me realize that healing was the only way to move forward. The only way I could ever stop being triggered by trauma. 

Not long after, in the midst of this healing, I discovered I was pregnant again! It was almost like I had picked right back up where I had left off at seven weeks and four days. I felt as though God was giving me a gift. Something I once thought I didn’t want, but He knew otherwise. Giving me the opportunity to now pass down an inheritance of generational blessings instead of being triggered by trauma. 

I’m in awe at the wonder of God, and incredibly thankful He met me where I was but didn’t leave me there. Despite the trials I had to endure to get to this point, or perhaps despite? I’m ready for this next chapter of my life. I am going to be a mother, not only to this baby to come but on another level to my inner child.