This newborn stage is both fantastic and challenging. On the one hand, it’s a guessing game when he cries. This boy got some pipes. He can cry so piercing that you’d think I’m hurting him. Running down the list of needs to ensure he’s good. Is it his diaper? Is he hungry? Tired? Hot/cold?!
Usually, he’s hungry, but sometimes he just cries, and I have no idea why. I imagine it’s just as hard on him as it is on me. Imagine not being able to express your needs; all you can do is cry. I remind myself that it won’t always be like this. That one day, we will be able to communicate, and as we grow together, so will our ability to communicate.
He’s growing so much these days. I swear I wake up, and he’s bigger than he was when I closed my eyes. An outfit that fits him yesterday won’t hold him tomorrow. As much as I don’t want him to grow, I look forward to him growing and being able to experience the different stages of life with him. It’s the most conflicting feeling ever. He’s so tiny, 10lbs, that he can curl up into my chest, and I already miss him this small. It makes being present and enjoying what I have all the more critical.
Being a baby is crazy. I forget that you learn every little thing because you’re brand new. From developing a vision to learning how to use your muscles to poop, babies aren’t just born knowing anything. Instead, they’re born with the genetics we share that predispose them to certain things in life. I can only hope that I’d healed just enough to pass on something better to him; he deserves that much and more.
I often find myself watching him sleep. He’s just so perfect; beautiful. It blows my mind that my body made him. However, I know how it also seems impossible that I created a little human life. It’s such a miracle, a privilege; it makes me wonder how some people can disregard the vulnerability of a newborn and how there are people out there who can abuse such innocence. While I wasn’t an infant, it made me even angrier with my parents for putting me through what I went through. Already I would do anything humanly possible for him.
Newborns have a way of bringing people together. Have you ever been anywhere when a baby enters the room? If you’re ever wondering why there’s a bunch of women assembled in a corner, chances are they’re ogling over someone’s infant. It used to make me laugh, but now I get it.
My mom used to tell me a story about her father, an alcoholic racist who wanted nothing to do with infant me because I was biracial. One day when my grandmother had her hands full in the kitchen, I started crying in my crib. Until then, he had refused to hold me but apparently also refused to let me cry it out. We were inseparable from that day forward, or so the story goes.
My son has brought an inexplicable love into my life that I would’ve never known. Throughout my pregnancy, women remarked about how boys love their mamas. Of course, not to say that girls don’t, but there’s something about how boys love their mom. Though I didn’t know the gender of my babe before it was told to me, I imagined God would give me a boy for that reason. I knew there was a love I needed to experience that would open my heart to a capacity I never knew possible.
I’ve accomplished many things in life, but by far, what I am most proud of, the most rewarding and remarkable has been being a mother. It’s true what they say; there’s no hood like motherhood!